im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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