should my penis look like a turkey
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Can't talk, ducks in the car
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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