I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
