Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Randomize
