I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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