I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize