take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
