I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
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Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
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