His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I can't put those talents on a resume
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
