some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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