:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
