The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
I queefed so loud it echoed.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
