Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
