even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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