toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
