Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
