the new term for farting is butt boxing.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
