I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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