it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
