I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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