Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
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