I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
