i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
