In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
