What did we do last night that was yellow?
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Randomize
