not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
