her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair
Strong work
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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