I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
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I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
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Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
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