I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
