On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
