just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
