Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
