Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
