i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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