This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
