I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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