somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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