your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
