First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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