You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
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I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
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i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
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