I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
