you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
