I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
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