the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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