Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
