You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
