According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Randomize
