i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Randomize
