Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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