what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
