i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Pooping to opera.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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