i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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