Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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