Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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