I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Randomize
